Who is at fault? My Wife? Me? Both? You be the judge.

I have to say my wife and I get along very well.  We hardly ever fight (sure one of us may get snippity at times never a real fight) and I have to say that is a blessing. Since I am with her most of the time I am not working the not fighting is very nice.  In fact I love spending
time with her.

Part of the reason we get along so well is that we think alike.  Okay so she doesn’t think about fantasy football and steak all day long but we think about a lot of things the
same.  Except in one area.

What area is that?  Giving and receiving help.  We actually think quite differently
here.  No not that she wants to help and I don’t want to help.  It is more she asks for help where I don’t.  Not that I don’t want help I just expect someone to see me struggling and offer to help.

Imagine this.  Father is carrying his two-year old daughter in one hand and trying to put something in the dishwasher with the other.  I know what you are thinking “What an awesome husband.”  Now imagine the backpack that the father has over one shoulder shifts.  Now that you have the picture use the way my wife and I help.

I am struggling with all three things and look over at my wife who has a smile.  I am thinking “Why is she smiling at me vs not helping me.”  Where she is thinking “Why doesn’t that fool ask for some help.  Guess he is so macho he has it under control.”

Should I ask for help?  Should she see the need for help and offer it?  The answer to both
these questions is probably yes.

Have you ever read the book call something like “The Five Love Languages”.  It talks about how people process love through different ways and if you really want to show a person you love them it needs to be done through their love language not yours.

For me to get help do I need to talk to my wife in her help language?  That I am pretty sure is a yes.  The one interesting thing to see in the future is which direction will my daughter fall.

More then likely the same direction as my wife.  Why?  Because I imagine I look
pretty funny struggling with three things at the same time.  Hard to pass up cheap entertainment.


About ryanjamesburt

I am a father, husband, accountant, and want to be writer. I try to stay busy so why not keep a blog. I can talk about what is on my mind and maybe entertain some people in the process.
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3 Responses to Who is at fault? My Wife? Me? Both? You be the judge.

  1. Debbie says:

    No one is at fault. There is no offense committed and there is no place for blame.

    The two of you are different; you share different love languages. That’s it, bottom line. There is the possibility that your daughter’s love language will be totally different from either of you, because she is a person unique unto herself. How cool is that?

    Over time, your wife may automatically start responding to you using your love language and vice versa. Until then, celebrate your uniqueness as well as your unity.


  2. Riayain says:

    Well, I follow the same language as you – if I’m struggling with something, I expect somebody close to me to help if they’re there. Doing otherwise would make me think that they simply like to see me struggle, that they pity me, or that they simply don’t care.

    At the same time though, both you and your wife have different love languages, as the person above explained. You two have different views. It’s something that just has to be dealt with, and maybe adapted to – marriage is like that, isn’t it? (I’m not married, but my parents are, and they’ve gotten used to each other’s faults, haha. Living together for a long, long time does that to you.)

    As for your daughter – likely, depending on how she’s raised, she’ll end up with the same language as either you or your wife’s. Then again, who knows – she could end up different from both of you. That’s the interesting part about raising children, don’t you think? That they can end up similar or way, way different from you.

    Finally, I just wanted to say – if you really were doing all of those three things at once, kudos to you! You’re an awesome father figure.


  3. I’ve been thinking about that book a lot lately. My husband and I speak completely different languages. We’re actually in counseling to work on speaking each other’s language. I think it’s easier for me than him to step back and see where I can change. But, what really helps us, is actually vocalizing, in a gentle way, those thoughts we’re having, like, when you think “Why isn’t she helping me?” You could actually say very softly, “Sweetie, I’m really struggling here with all this stuff and the kid. Were you aware of this? If you jumped in and helped lighten my load, that’d really speak my love language of volunteering service.” Sometimes I think my husband HAS to be aware of something I’m aware of. But, when we actually talk about it, I realize he was never even thinking about it. Do you see what I’m saying? It kinda sucks that we have to actually tell our spouse what we’re thinking when what we really want is for them to just know. I am sure that over the years of doing this, we’ll begin to read each other’s body language and we won’t need to vocalize everything. We’re still a work in progress and I love reading about other couples working on the same things!


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