As you all know I have aspirations of being a writer. Okay I have aspirations of being a published writer. How am I going to do that you may ask? I will tell you how. By writing, submitting, and entering contests. Contests? Yes contests like this one. thank you so much Brenda
http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com/2012/01/can-you-hit-perfect-pitch-blogfest.html
On January 15th post a two sentence pitch (no more than 35 words) along with the first 150 words (if it falls in the middle of a sentence, go to the end of that sentence) of your finished Young Adult or Middle Grade manuscript to your blogs.
35 Word Pitch:
She is pure evil and has a plan to take over and control the world. Thousands will do anything and everything to kill her. There is only one problem. I am her bodyguard.
First 150 words:
Title: Bodyguarding Evil
Genre: YA Fantasy
A line of drool drips from a foot long tusk and almost falls on my head. I hate drool. I guess no one really likes it, but this slobber is even worse than what people imagine when someone thinks of saliva. The drool is thicker than most slime with a horrible green hue. The drool is horrible but the face it is coming from is worse. Imagine an ugly hairy walrus but instead of tusks pointing down, they point up. Then put this walrus head on top of a giant man. The drool is flying off this ugly walrus because it is furious. Luckily for me I am not the object of this madness. I am just a measly little assistant. I am no more than a gopher.
What is an assistant doing next to a salivating walrus headed giant? I am the assistant of the person Mr. Ugly is about to fight.
Ryan James Burt 
Holy Molly – THAT is a pitch. I know some might say it emphasizes another character than your main, but I don’t care. THIS got me excited about reading your opening scene.
It’s good, but I want a *little* more action than a drooling beast sleeping and the MC being disgusted. Maybe introduce us to this fight (or what it’s about and/or the consequences) earlier on. Because my guess is you kinda want us to care a little for his boss, right? We’d need to know why he keeps this job even if it’s gross to do so:)
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that is one hell of a pitch! Well done 🙂 Contests are a great way of getting your name out there. We’ll let you know when we hear of some that may be suitable for you.
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The pitch is amazing! Good job!
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Great job on this pitch! I really got the voice from that excerpt, too. I liked how he called himself an “assistant”–that made me laugh. Good luck!
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It’s good but let me tell you my issue (which may not be an issue considering on how the rest of the manuscript goes.): What’s with the lack of contractions? I find it lends itself to a more formal sounding speech and if your character is to be a teen/young adult, it may not match up. Know what I mean? You might consider switching up some of the “drool” as well..if it’s caused by anger, maybe it’s spittle flying, etc.
Voice is good though. I would definitely read on!
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Wow I talked to my wife about it and she said I am horrible at using contractions. I said how come you never told me. She said “I figured you were trying to increase your word count.” I will read through my pitch again. Thanks for the advise.
I also think I try to think like a 13 year old. I might tend to focus on the gross or explosions and such.
Thanks all for the read. I am starting my rounds tonight.
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Hey there,
So this is a great pitch and it has a lot to it. However, I would most definitely avoid writing it in first person. It’s not going to sell it any stronger to an agent. The writing sells the agent, and if you write fantastic first person, that will show. The pitch needs to be third. Here’s my advice on changing it up:
“The greatest evil known in the land is close to domination, and everyone wants her dead, but her loyal guard will to it that his mistress remains safe, even if it means choosing the wrong side.”
It’s a bit heavy. My version. Maybe break it into two sentences. Play around and see what happens.
Also, if you’re looking for another blogfest, stop by my blog on February 13th. I’d love to have you.
Best,
Justin
In My Write Mind
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What if your book is in first person? Don’t you want the same voice in your pitch and your book? I am new at this so I am really asking.
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I love the pitch- and your descriptions are hilarious! I can see teenage boys lining up for this!
Great job!
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LOVE the pitch!!!!!!! Wow, you nailed it! I would definitely pick this up and read it, so good!! And the excerpt–bleh, I’m still ickied out by the drool, nice work! Good luck to you!
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I do think the pitch needs to be in 3rd person. My book is in 1st and my pitch is in 3rd. It also should be present tense, which yours is.
I think the pitch is GREAT. I would want to read it based on the pitch.
I’m curious about how someone so young (I assume he’s a teenager or younger) got to be a bodyguard… you piqued my interest.
Great job!
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